Hair today, gone tomorrow.

It took two weeks for my locks to unlock from my head. The unlocking started some emotional unfurling as well, feeling hair-brained if you will excuse my pun. I had started thinking the hair loss would not happen. Hoping I would be the exception to the rule. I am having a hard time being the rule, not the exception.

I warned my daughters, seven- and three-years of age, before I started Chemo that the medicine that mommy was having to take might make her hair fall out. Two weeks from my initial treatment, after I thought the hair would stay, I started shedding. I have ultra thick hair and I am used to my tresses carpeting the house but it became overly annoying. So I told the girls that I my hair was going away. I have during my whole cancer experience tried my best to protect them and inform them gingerly, in hopes of not to freak them out. But their response to my locks unlocking left me feeling unnerved. They found it funny. They were so intrigued that they would randomly run their sweet, tiny fingers through my hair and announce in an awed and excited tone, “Mommy look how much came out this time!” In my efforts to keep them from freaking out I began to freak out. I finally had to ask them to stop because I did not have my wig yet.

Next we went wig shopping. The whole family. On my 36th birthday.

Yep, THIRTY-SIX, I am displaying it loud and proud. I will forever love my birthdays and the increasing number it brings! Now on with the show, and oh yes what I am about to share with you was quite the show!

It was not planned, the wig shop just happened to be within walking distant from my birthday-lunch-restaurant choice. Maybe it was a subconscious decision on my part, I am not sure. This event turned out to be one of the strangest and most enlightening experiences in regards to my daughters integral part in my life. Not to down play my precious son’s role, but at 15-months old, I don’t explain the steps of journey, he just gets the shock value of shedding mommy and lots of cuddling. The girls worked that wig shop like they had been there scads of times before! I was quite the opposite. I scanned the small boutique apprehensively, almost afraid to touch the blank-face heads with a potential new “do.” Now, the girls were telling me aloud (very loud, or so it seemed) to try one on. The sales’ lady offers me to sit in front of the mirror and she would “fit” me. Well, this invitation was all the girls needed to hear. Suddenly, half the heads in the shop were bared and a mound of fake hair amassed on the table in front of me. The lady would barely have one on my head before my girls would proclaim their opinion. They held nothing back. Their honesty was so funny and refreshing and unabashed. Little voices ensued, “Mommy, I don’t like that one. Take it off. Mommy, try this one. What about this one? Ohhh, yea get that one, mommy!” And my three-year old could not figure out “why those ladies don’t have their eyes?” But it did not bother her enough to keep her from ripping their hair off!

I left the shop without a wig. I did, however, leave with complete amazement at my girls. Where did these fearless, opinionated, take-it-all-in-stride creatures come from?!

The night before my second treatment, I told my husband when he came home from his moonlight job we would scalp me. Well, I resolved I would just take the “GI Jane” approach. But when the hubby had the clippers in hand I took off my glasses, he told me to close my eyes and the buzzing ensued. The odd coincidence was, [and I swear to you this is true] the movie “GI Jane” was on one of the movie channels the next day (and a few days following)! I remember going to see the movies in theaters a few years back. I have a few favorite parts but not a favorite movie really. Of course I felt drawn to watch it. Her plight much different than mine. But I connected with something familiar with the protagonist (other than the same hair cut) an aura of sheer determination. The shaven head, along with the movie, gave me a new perceptive. I may feel beaten down, but I am not beaten!

Now the next morning, post-shaved head had mixed reviews. Note: I had warned my daughters, as well as my mom and sister, (who were staying with us to help with the kids during my next treatment) the night before they went to bed that mommy might shave her head when daddy came home later that night.

The three-year daughter crawls in our bed in the almost-daybreak hours of the morning, calling my name as she crawled in the bed. I answer her so she can find me. She speaks again, “Mommy, Mom…mie, your hair.” I remind her of me telling her about it last night, just lay down. She seems content to be over the shock as we snuggle back to sleep. The 15-month-old son was the biggest set back, he was not warned. After his usual procedure of alerting us he was awake and ready to exit the crib, my husband gets him and lays him down beside me in the bed. I turn and greet him with my can’t-hold-back-how-much-I-love-you smile. I forget I am sans hair. He looks at me and quickly turns his head and cautiously cuts his eyes back at me. I speak to him and reach for him but he turns and whimpers. Then I laugh as I realize he is not so sure if this is mommy. He warms up after a bit of mommy jabber. The next person to jolt is my mom. I had to wake her to help me with the baby. I started talking to her to rouse her and said, “Mom, don’t be shocked I am…” Her eyes open and she jumps, jumps and gasps! You did it she says amazed and groggily bewildered. All of this is taking place during summer break, so my oldest daughter of seven, emerges much later in the morning. I am at the dining room table feeding the baby, my back to the stairs and my sister (who only replied “Whoa” to the no hair head) tells me to look to see who was up. I turn to see my oldest child is standing, or frozen I should say, in mid-descend of the stairs with her mouth wide open, speechless. I reply, “ I told you I was going to shave it off.” “But, mommy,” she almost whispers. “I didn’t think you would do it.”

I went to get the wig that day. I took the girls and my mom. I went blonde (with roots.) I liked the wig, as having to wear one goes. But I ultimately chose one my girls approved. The 3-year-old, who is blonde and often has the question posed as to where her hair color comes from since daddy and mommy have dark-brown hair; gives the excited approval of telling me, “You look like me, mommy!” The 7-year-old also says she likes it best. And my mom also was a big thumbs up. Out we went from the wig shop, me as a short-haired blonde.

Stage III: Acceptance and Awareness

I have come to realize I have lived most of my life in theory. Unlike a lot of curious people I always question the traditional, the happen-stance, the why. But I have recently had the epiphany of recalling that early in life I figured out the real and unreal. I guess that is why I cannot be fake or tolerate flakiness. It is why at four-years old, I posed the rhetorical question to my mom that there was no Santa. This truth cost me a few childhood friends or one in particular from second grade, Rhonda. Perhaps the my quest for answers also tends to make me almost over-vigilant in my pursuit, to the degree of not letting it go until I have proven it (right or rarely wrong [ominous laugh inserted].) With Rhonda, I was so baffled that she did not get my logic I was compelled to leave my desk (and school task I was supposed to be doing) to seek the reasonable backup of our teacher’s aide, Ms. Booker. She escorted me back to my desk and told me something along the lines of stop talking about what I did not know and do my work. I was so taken aback. My conclusion to the fiasco was another question, “Did Ms. Booker not know the truth, either?”

I remember having such a hard time with theories of science and different tenets; until inconveniently in my late teens. I realized that most of what I had been taught I could not accept because I was not aware of what it really pertained to – someone trying to prove their truth or idea of it. As children, most of us learn wrong and right, good and evil. We learn it in our own little world, the world we only can accept because it is all we are aware exists at

the time.

Due to my family’s obsession that attractiveness meant skinny (their one shallow point), I was very weight and health aware (as most teens are.) But I had to read theories and research on how foods were digested and chemically broken down. First, I stopped drinking milk when I learned we were the only mammals that drank another animal’s milk after weening. Then I didn’t eat pork when I found out the flesh had some worm/organisms in it. Lastly, when I was required to read The Jungle by Upton Sinclair in tenth grade, which is about exposing the atrocities of work conditions during the industrial revolution. After absorbing it, instead of becoming a human rights activist, I became a vegetarian for the next two and half years.

Oddly, my health issues at present lead me back to the afore mentioned phase I passed off as pure vanity. I ignored my weight and health quite on purpose after having kids. It does not help that I have hubby that has never found me undesirable, no matter my size (a fact that still amazes me.) I also I have made sure my daughters have never heard me say I am fat or on a diet. I wanted my kids to know that beauty and value was from within. But I also told them to take care of their body and it would take care of them. Advice I did not practice thoroughly.

Now, being overweight bothered me, some. But not enough to cease indulgence. I would get back on track for awhile but really had no motivation because I just felt vain. Well the funny thing about avoiding one evil is I accepted another. I thought not being obsessed with health issues meant I would not be faced with them. My theory was to do what I enjoyed when I could because motherhood (among my other jobs) had such high demands. I would be fine no matter how I ate or often I exercised. I swapped vanity for mad neglect. I refused to accept responsibility for what I have been given…life.

So, now I am aware, once again of my health. But for the first time, I am doing it for the right reason. I have to think about death (not dwell on it) if I want to live. I have to think about the life I want, to be able to accept death in eons to come!

I also have recently to accept that my cancer has reoccurred in my breast. I am aware I have to submit to traditional treatment at this point. But I still eat organic as much as I can and make sure my household is as toxin-free as possible on a budget. I have decided that progressive and alternative cannot exist with out reflection on the traditional. I have hated the fact that I had to submit to chemotherapy. But I also know, that my alternative methods kept the rest of me disease-free and gave me an awareness on how all of my life should be; a careful reflection of everything around me. Over the years, I have gone through phases of awareness for different facets of body, mind or spirit. But I have never fused all of them together. This fusion is not without hiccups and growing pains. It is not always fun to critique yourself, honestly. I my case it has become a necessity. I am one of those people that learns things my own way, the hard way.

I still have my theories and doubts. I don’t think I would do it differently (looking back eight months.) Choosing alternative medicine after having a lump removed from my breast was what I was ready to except. I needed the drastic life change. Now that I have started chemotherapy, I realized I needed that time to regain health. Now I in no way like this current scenario, but at this point it is necessary (and what I promised my husband if we had a reoccurrence.) My theory is there has to be a marriage in some way of the alternative and traditional. They each have their place. Once I have all the chemotherapy and probably more surgery, I will return to my Gerson (juice) therapy for a few months to make sure I have thoroughly gotten this crapola kicked in the big rotunda. Then I will maintain a life that is organic, mostly meat-free and sugar-free, with fewer processed foods as well.

Down with cancer, long live me!

Stage II: The whirlwind begins.

In thirteen days, I went to see what was wrong with me, had a mammogram, ultrasound, MRI, was sent to a surgeon, he takes a biopsy the same day I meet him, diagnosed with cancer the next day and then three days later I am in the operating room. Whew.

Now only a few memories abound in this chaos:

I had to gather myself and call work, after the initial naming of cancer. I had to tell them I would be useless today.

I have the privilege of working with people who have become close friends. So, I knew this call was going to be emotional. I couldn’t reach anyone on the phone. After a few attempts, I happen to only be able to reach one of my close friends (and peer co-worker.) I try calmly just telling her to pass along I won’t be in but my voice cracks. She asks the is-everything-okay question. I break down again. And again I try to talk in between the weeping. I think she could only make out “lump” and “cancer.” Stunned silence. She finally responds but now her voice is cracking also. I can’t remember much of what was said after that.

What I remember most about meeting the surgeon is after examining me (before the biopsy;) he tells my husband and I that more than likely both breasts should be removed and later all reproductive organs as well. He lays out the worst-case scenario and asks, “Now what are you thinking?” I open my mouth but the only thing that exits my body is wet and salty from a couple of facial features above my mouth. After the doctor leaves to prep for the biopsy I look at my husband who I have never seen cry and ask what he was thinking. It was his turn for the voice cracking.

The surgeon schedules me for surgery on Monday. The biopsy results would be ready on Friday. We go over more what-ifs with what the biopsy results may show. Whether I get just the lump removed or one bump or two!

This is also the day I have to call my mom and tell her the news. I had waited to call her, in hopes I would not have to. More voice cracking.

Now, I must lighten things up and tell you some of my not-funny-at-the-time moments. After my longer-than-expected surgery, I awake in the recovery room to a nurse that was different than the lady I was with when I had been knocked out. The room (or my head was spinning), this is not a metaphor. I had to keep closing my eyes to stop the movements. Open the eyes, everything keeps moving, close them the head still floats.

The nurse then asks me to rate my pain, ten being the worst, one being the least. I tell her eight. She then pops off in a southern drawl,” Well honey, I can’t send you home with that!” I think in my spin-cycle head, “What? Do you want me to lie! This shit hurts!”

I have to back up just a bit before surgery, when they inject me with this dye to see if/where the cancer cells may have traveled from the lump the surgeon is removing. The surgeon tells me before sedation that it will show up in the lymph nodes affected and my urine may be a greenish color for a few days after.

Back to the recovery room, my “nice” nurse returns. By this time the room, and everyone and thing are blurringly bouncing instead of spinning. And the agony, while more unbearable than labor pains, is made worse with intense nausea. I can handle a lot, but when I feel the need to spew I am miserable. I tell the “nice” nurse what is going on. She is ready to check me into a room in the hospital. She tells me she is calling the surgeon. Faster than I expected, she returns and says the doctor has told her to give me something in my IV to help (she tells me what it is, but I had no clue or care really at the time, I just wanted to feel better.) If it did not work she was to put me in bed for a night at the hospital. Well, all of a sudden I feel an extraordinary warmth all over. The warmth feels it like it wants to leave via my ears. I mutter I am about to vomit. Rod had been present all the time since the “nice” nurse appeared. Both of them scramble for a container. Remember the dye I filled you in on? It was not the “greenish,” nice lime color, I had envisioned. It was Tidy-bowl green! Deep, dark, just-put-in, almost opaque green liquid expelled from my mouth! I was in poltergeist mode for about 45 seconds.

With the explosion of the toilet bowl cleaner, I feel exceeding better. I look at Rod and the “nice” nurse and say I want to go. Rod later told me it was like night and day after the IV additive and my poltergeist episode. I went from pitiful and limp to a mildly groggy person, telling him I wanted to go and standing to walk out the door. I guess the Tidy-bowl had to be flushed for the finished effect.

Life after that was spent mostly in bed propped in a sitting position, well-medicated and gingerly guarding my arms when the kids came for mommy time. Rod had to clean out this drain thing that was connected to a tube coming out of my armpit for about three weeks following surgery. I don’t cope with blood, guts and needles well at all, so this drain ordeal made me queasy every time I just looked at it. To make matters worse it was stored between the girls. I just kept my head up (literally and metaphorically.)

Now, this was not my first touch with breast cancer. Almost 20 years to the day of my own surgery I was apart of my mom’s personal battle. Watching my mom go through some of the after-affects of breast cancer/surgery, I was determined about a few things: that my range of motion with my arm would not be limited; I also, wanted to make sure I made decisions based on what I felt best for me and my family. As a single parent, I believe (and I know from discussing it with her) my mom had my well being of mind as her biggest guide. She knew she had to make decisions that would ease my doubts of losing her. It was odd this go-a-round, that I knew in part how my husband felt and what it was like in my mom’s shoes. As things panned out it seemed my ordeal was less life-threatening or so I thought at the time.

My decision to deny chemotherapy and radiation, was given a time limit. I felt it was the best for me and my family. With a clean PET scan, I felt confident with my decision; it was what I could endure. After about six months, even without any changes for the worse I agreed to do more testing. If changes, other than all the good results I was getting, started to surface; I would find out my plan B.

My six months, was really about seven, mostly because of denial on my part. But once I started to get some urging even from my alternative specialist, I visited my ob/gyn for an over due annual exam.

I started hearing a familiar sound…the whirlwind.

This time I stopped. The same scenario started and enraged me. I decided to get another perspective. I went to a Doctor of Osteopathy. I wanted an untainted opinion. And I got about 2 hours of it from a doctor who is now on my “trust” list.

Now I can’t say I did not start feeling dizzy again, but this time, I had more questions and a lot more answers!

Stage I of my cancer: Being scared shitless.

My diagnosis with cancer was not the scariest part, it was waiting for all the test results and all the what-ifs. I will ask for forgiveness for my crassness in the description of my fear but saying that my bowels were spic and span for days just does not cover it. That was about seven months ago.

The day before Thanksgiving 2009, I finally went to see my OB/GYN; after weeks of ignoring my husbands pleas.

The lump in my left breast had none of the symptoms of a malignancy (as the med-web sites notified me.) My doctor checks it out telling me the same things: no fever on the spot, no redness, no deformity; only my complaint that it hurt like hell.

Now what lead to the prior event mentioned?

My husband notices this lump on underside of my left breast. I brush it off as it is the same on the other one. Well the other side was not the same. I then labeled it a infected mammary gland, since I had stopped breast-feeding our 7-month-old a few months prior. But my denial became a sinking feeling in my gut as the lump started to become uncomfortable physically. Then, I thought I would stealthily scour medical web sites to ensure my self-diagnosis was viable. But the pain from the lump became more unbearable every day, so much so that I could not pick up my children. When the pain started pissing me off, it also started to worry my husband. Finally after a week of hearing me answer “no” his barrage of “did you call the doctor?;” My spouse took me by the shoulders, looked me square in the eyes and pleaded with me to make the call!

Back to that day before Thanksgiving…My doctor was not sure how much luck we were going to have getting images but she makes the call while I am in her office. Just so happens they had an opening as soon as I could get there. What I find the most humorous about my visit to my doctor was my odd attempt to tell my doctor it was nothing. She gives me a prescription for an antibody for my “in case it is an infection” and off I go for pictures.

I make it to the imaging center in about 10 minutes (I swear I wasn’t speeding it was only a few miles away.) Paperwork, prepping for my first mammogram, the mammogram, the waiting and then on to the ultrasound. As a mother of three I have had my share of ultrasounds, this was the first time I did not want to watch the monitor’s abstract-like black and white forms. I ask if they see anything, after what seemed like five hours of silence (probably 15 minutes.) I get the I-am-not-the-doctor-I-just-take-the-pictures answer. My non-answer and the technician’s trip to get the doctor made the icy room feel thick with an aura of doom. I suddenly felt short of breath. The doctor enters with this look of pity (I know it was meant as empathy but it was not a look I am familiar with, as I avoid doctors as much as possible.) She tells me she is scheduling an MRI for the following Monday. Still no definite answers, just that it is very suspicious.

I go home to my family. My family is not just the hubby and kids. My mom, my sister, my army-wife-sister-in-law and her four kids were all there for the “festive” occasion. But my husband I agreed we would not say anything until we knew for sure. The loud, happiness of seven children running around the house, my usual excitement about all the goodies to fix and prep was overwhelmingly tainted. This day before Thanksgiving seemed like the ones I dreaded in my childhood, when I expected something bad and dramatic to occur.

Fast-forwarding to the MRI on the Monday following Turkey Day, I get a call from the imaging center that the machine is being worked on they need to reschedule for Thursday. I feel half relieved, half dread because I have to wait.

As I head home I receive another call from the imaging center. The machine is fixed, could I get there in 20 minutes.

I u-turn and head over and again filled with mixed emotions.

Now I must mention that I do not fair well with blood and needles. As part of the procedure for the MRI they put this tube, yes tube in my arm for the contrast solution. I warn the poor soul about to inject the contraption that: One, my veins are very shallow near the bend in my arm but the large bulging ones in my hand are easier to access. And, two, I may pass out on her. She looks at me with mild horror as the color had already drained from my face on seeing what she had to attach to me. Not to mention all the while, I am sitting there in an ill-fitting, front-tied hospital gown and my skivvies! So, me falling unconscious would not be a pretty sight!

After the tube was placed and a few deep breathes, I am lead to the MRI room. The technician gives me the scoop. I will be face-down in the machine and I have to stay completely motionless for 45 minutes, I could not fall asleep and no deep breathes during the eerie pulsing, whirling siren sound (aka imaging-taking.) Oddly, there was a painting I could via a mirror under me. I critiqued the subject matter, the lighting and technique and medium used. Focusing on the painting kept me calm and from concentrating on why I was in the big magnet.

After I was done I told the lady taking the MRI, the painting was a great distraction and a good idea. She said no one has ever mentioned it before it was just decoration. Only me.

On my out, I ask how long it would take to get the results. The lady informs me it would be a few days probably because there were about 2,000 images for the doctor to look at, and then he would contact my doctor. So, more waiting, just me and my fear.

The next morning (it was Tuesday), I was headed out the door around 11:00 a.m. I worked part-time and my schedule allowed me to come in after my husband came home from work. As I am hurrying to the car my cell phone beckons. It was the nurse at my OB/GYN’s office. She said my doctor had made an appointment for me to see a surgeon on Thursday. Just like that I was going to see a surgeon, but no one had told me anything yet. I wanted to know SOMETHING! My nervous questioning made the nurse go get my doctor on the phone. My doctor as gently as she could tells me that it looks like cancer. She had gotten me an appointment on such short notice because the surgeon was a friend, otherwise I would have to wait for two weeks. She continued that because of the nature of the occurrence and what the images were showing we needed to move quickly. She preps me that a biopsy was needed and the surgeon would then schedule the surgery.

The wait was over. The fright was actualized.

I walk back in the house. I say nothing as my husband asks what is wrong. As a person, who normally doesn’t show vulnerable emotion; I can’t say anything. I go sit on one of my kids little chairs in the breakfast area. I melt. I sob.

Now, Stage I of my cancer is over. I have had my moment of fear and doubt. Being scared shitless, gave me perspective. I realized that I had stop taking care of my body and it, in turn stop taking of me. I recognized that I had not only taken my body for granted but my life and all the precious people apart of it.

My ordeal with cancer was been a partly losing scenario for me. A loss of fear. A loss of control. A loss of caring about what people thought. And another perk is about 60 lbs! But those aren’t bad things to lose. Losing those things made room for courage, knowledge, love and new clothes! So losing has been my win. With adversity and hardship, character is built. Cancer is bad, but I have turned into a good thing for me. My life needed to be turned upside down and emptied out. Now I am reorganizing the things worth keeping and finding a few buried and forgotten. I remember what a wonderful man I married almost 12 years ago. I thank God for my awesome kids. I started painting again. I even started something new – writing! And I am discovering me, again.

My story is not new. I am a 35-year-old woman. And I had breast cancer.

As for the title of this blog, it is a statement that has taken six months to procure. I have decided to blog my experiences in hopes that it may help others. I will try and post my journey over the next year or however long needed. My posts will be in retrospect mixed with more current events.

The twist in my story is this: I refused chemotherapy, radiation and estrogen blockers. I had a lump the size of a small bouncy ball removed from my left breast along with 23 lymph nodes. Sixteen of those lymph nodes tested as cancer-carrying. So, this mixed with my age, the amount of estrogen in my body (from recent child birth) and my being over weight; the doctors did not give me a lot of options other than chemotherapy. They strongly recommended the removal of all reproductive organs and more than likely both of the girls (that’s those mammary glands, in case you didn’t know.) I did not like their options – at all! Granted, I could survive without them, but I came into the world with them and well I am sort of attached to them (quite literally.)

The oncologist ordered a PET scan to assess the damage of the disease in my body. The drum roll for the PET scan results lasted 2 weeks. And much to the amazement of my oncologist and my surgeon, I was cancer-free! Yes, I took my miracle and ran with it. I thank God everyday for it! Please don’t assume my blog will be religious ranting, I hate religion. Now, The Big Guy and I talk on a daily basis. But He has yet to note His denomination, so we keep things out-of -the-box (but this is dangerous subject matter for another blog.)

So, what am I doing? I am on a path less travelled: Alternative Medicine.

Although, there were no masses of cancer found in my PET scan, I still had the presence of cancer cells. This meant it was still recommended for me to have chemo “just in case.” I decided I wanted a quality of life and I did not want my three small children to see their mommy weak, sick, and bald. My choice for alternative treatment was not an easy

one to make. The decision rocked my world. My closest friend, my hubby, was far from happy with it. I had to inform the company I worked for, in hopes they would keep me around on quite different scheduling terms. My lifestyle of going non-stop and high-stress had to cease. And one of the hardest changes was in my diet. I no longer consume salt or sugar. I try to have most of everything I touch, clean with or ingest to be organic. I am vegan for the most part, the exception of some occasional wild-caught fish. I, also, make and drink fresh-made (by me or hubby) juice, ten times a day.

Now, at six months down the road my health is improving greatly. My husband is my new conscience (making sure I do not veer from my treatment in any manner.) The company I work for has been extremely supportive and caring. My friends and family are amazed. I have another eighteen months left with part of my alternative therapy, during this time I will share my progress. The rest is a lifetime change.